I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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