One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
