it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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