Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
