overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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