1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize