Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
