did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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