walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
