You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
