oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
