So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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