the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
