i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
