Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
