what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
