Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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