So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
