Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize