oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
