so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
