Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
