went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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