i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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