fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
