insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
