I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
