if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize