new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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