I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
