I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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