I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
