Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
