life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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