my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
