I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
