then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
