It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
