Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize