i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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