I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize