I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
