I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
