i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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