I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My balls are so social today.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
