I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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