I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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