just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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