You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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