I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
