Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
