made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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