I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
