I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
