It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I looked at my own cervix.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
