My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
