sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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