You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
