Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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