this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
