my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
