I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize