So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
